Dear Yahoo!, Please Say No To MSN

I woke this morning to see Matt Laurer and Anne Curry talking about a nightmare scenario I’ve been trying to put out of my mind and think there’s no way in hell it would happen. But no, those two had go and piss in my Cheerios.

Yahoo!, we all know you’ve fallen on hard times. We see it. There’s talk of you all displaying Google results and how maybe you shouldn’t be doing this or that. But in the end, you’re still number two, and hey, that ain’t bad! Coming from someone who’s had his ass handed to him in every SEO blog related comp this year, I’d be happy with a number two! I mean, second place, not someone crapping on my desk or something else scat related.

But however desperate you get, no matter how dark the night, remember this: Microsoft fucks up everything they touch. Windows was pretty cool, right? They decided to go with Vista, from which I understand makes about as much sense as a shitting on hoagie roll and calling it a sandwich. Remember all the people they used to siphon off with their portal and sucker into searching for stuff? They managed to fuck that up to. Now even idiots go to Google because MSN Live sucks so hard. So very, very hard.

Let me put this in your collective head. Think of Microsoft as a big, well-meaning retarded kid that has the strength of an ape-shit crazy orangutan hopped up on cocaine. Now think of Yahoo! as a fragile, fuzzy little chick that has caught Microsoft’s eye. See where this going? For those of you that might be a little slower – Microsoft is like a giant retarded kid that will CRUSH the life out of the fuzzy little chick that is Yahoo! Please, I know that comparing mentally challenged people with Microsoft is unfair to the mentally retarded, and I meant no harm or disrespect to anybody. But you know what I’m getting at.

Yahoo!, I also know I’ve been critical of you in the past. I absolutely hated how you fucked up MyBlogLog and made it such a pain in the ass that other have completely given up on it. But screw that, let’s turn the page. You’ve been doing this interweb thingy for quite a while now. You’re different from Google and a whole helluva’ lot better than MSN Live! Don’t let some Stanford educated punks, er, well, some other Stanford educated punks put you down. And don’t let some asswipes from Redmond take you over and turn you into some other crap-machine like they tend to do with everything else they touch. For the love of everything that is good and not-MSN, please, please, please tell Microsoft to get bent.

Thank you.