Archive for December 19th, 2007

Syzlak Speaks, Fuckers Listen

December 19, 2007

That’s right folks. When comrade Syzlak throws his pearls of wisdom to the capitalist swine, they gobble them up.

Remember when the S-man called out Express for being a bunch of dumbasses and partying it up like it’s 1993? That’s right. They had something for hipster douchebags to pick out a tie to match their shirt so they didn’t look like total tools when going in for the job-interview that mom set up with one of dad’s business relations. Click on the link to go buy the tie, and sure as shit you were magically transported to fucking nowhere. That’s right. Express didn’t even have a friggin’ online store!!!

Since Syzlak made that post, they have since brought a store online. *GASP* Okay, well, maybe not an online store. But rather their stupid-ass catalog. Just what I wanted. Not the option to buy one of these polyester wonders but the opportunity to look at one of the fucking things. Thanks for nothing, dumbasses.

“You mean this internets thingy isn’t a trend?” Express CEO asks.

“No, apparently people are, well, they’re BUYING things! At the internet!,” exlaims Express CEO Yes Man.

“Gadzooks!” Express CEO said. “Out from under my desk and to the library!” Then they run, holding hands, jump into a Buick Century station wagon made of gold and apparently drive all the way back to the early ’90s.

Well, I imagine that’s how it went. In reality, it speaks less about how fucking ignorant Express is and more to the fact that right under our noses is Mr. Syzlak, who holds a buttload of sway over online business. Nothing gets done online without his knowledge and approval. While Al Gore may have invented the interwebs, it’s Syzlak who rules over them with an iron fist that makes Stalin look like a kitten dressed in a pink dress holding petunias and dancing on rainbows. While some people assume it’s Rand Fishkin or Danny Sullivan that are the evil masterminds behind all things SEO and SEM, in reality it’s Syzlak pulling the strings. When you’re running towards first and your pants are about to burst, it isn’t diarrhea. It’s Syzlak.

As such, I recommend you not only read the Interweb Czar’s blog, but I recommend you study it. Read between the lines. The future is unwritten – mostly because Syzlak hasn’t written it.