Add This to the “Phrases I Hate” List

I’ve been doing research for an upcoming post by reading a thread on that Matt Cutts’ blog. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Matt’s a great guy and he helps people and junk. Wonderful. He’s a sheep, I’m a goat. Whatever.

But one thing I keep reading over and over and over is starting to drive me nuts. It’s been a phrase uttered in the SEO sphere as long as I’ve been doing this junk. And I swear to god if I read it again I’m gonna’ climb up a fucking clock tower and start shooting people wearing purple or something. Holy shit it’s driving me nuts.

The phrase, you ask? Surely it can’t be as assinine as Web 2.0 or some other bullshit. Oh no, dearest reader, but it drives me as fucking ape shit bonkers as that. The phrase, Vanna?

“If only people(or spammers) would put their efforts into building great sites with great content instead of all this spammy garbage! Then the search engines wouldn’t have to work so hard and kittens would shit rainbows!”

You’ve seen these lines posted in forums and comments of search marketing blogs all over the internet. They usually begin with “I wish” or “if only” and are followed by some sort of bullshit about great content and effort and some other crap. And usually, they make me want to go set a dumpster on fire.

I mean, what the fuck, people. What the fuck. These kind of people remind me of fucking vegetarians and other kinds of assholes who spew this moralistic sounding garbage to make themselves sound better to the groupthink of whatever sheeple bullshit they’re buying into. Hey asshole, while you’re wishing and if-onlying, why don’t you wish cars ran on dreams? Or a hug could buy a steak dinner? Go give fucking Hugo Chavez a hug or something.

Oh! Here’s a brilliant idea! Why not wish the search engines would find a way to scrub this bullshit from their SERPs and then it would take all the profitability of these “spam” sites? What a novel fucking idea! Instead of relying on us lowly, asstard rejects to clean up the messes they kinda’ create, they do it themselves? Not a bad idea! “I wish the search engines would just redirect all these FUD campaign efforts into building great SERPs with great sites in them!”

When I’m researching how to turn soap into napalm, do I want sift through fifty MFA (called Made For Adsense for a reason . . . ) sites touting the scrubbing power of Dawn? Hell no. But I’m also a grown ass man. I have enough common sense to tell a good listing from a bad one. And it usually only takes one click to figure that shit out (if you see a bunch of Adwords ads on the page, you know it’s probably bullshit). And if I get tired of sorting through paid posts or whatever, I simply leave Google and go to Yahoo! (I would have said MSN but seriously, we all know about Live. What a joke!). How hard is that?

4 Responses to “Add This to the “Phrases I Hate” List”

  1. The Bagel of Everything Says:

    I wish SEO’s and spammers could work together to build me a magical unicorn ranch where marshmallow peeps grew on fairy bushes and I didn’t have to get my goddamned menses just at the worst possible time and I hate everyone and I wish you’d all die of radioactive leprosy, and also the kitten/rainbows thing.

    Amen.

  2. Sam Freedoms Internet Marketing Controversy Blog Says:

    Too brash to be liberal.
    Too mistrusting to be Republican.
    Too self-assured to fall under the bland label of Independent.

    I want to say Libertarian but the soap-to-napalm line screams anarchist.

    Either way, my Supreme Court is voting 5-4 in favor of giving you a link. Keep an eye out for it.

    But for now, I’m off to clean up my kitten’s rainbows.
    Sam

  3. Syzlak Says:

    If only you weren’t a lunatic, some of your ideas would be heard.

  4. Paul Says:

    Some marks – no matter how hard you scrub – never fade.

    Here’s another thing, I wish you would all stop saying FUD.

    All of us in Scotland piss ourselves each time its mentioned in semi-serious context.

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