Archive for December 5th, 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Gerry Phillips

December 5, 2007

The interwebs is an amazing place. I was pretty pissed off after posting that last, er, well, post. Yeah, I get sick of that shit. But then, through the magic of 1’s and 0’s by way of one Matt McGee (Master of SEO), a little bit of joy was brought into my dreary, hate-filled day. That angel? Gerry Phillips.

The simple joys of boyhood flooded over me. Fart sounds, burping the alphabet, panhandling for change so I wouldn’t get beaten when I got home – all of it in all of its pure, magical simplicity. Mr. Phillips deserves our adoration and adulation.

In a world LonelyGirl15’s and Chris Crockers, it’s refreshing to see a bonafide, worthy internet celeb. Well, he should be a bigger celeb than those clowns. He’s a manualist, not some whiny-ass fakey persona. Mr. Phillips is a modern-day hero in a world desperately in need of heroes.

Let me leave you with this – a Queen classic rock classic (wow – that’s a lot of class!) that will surely bring you back to the days of youthful indiscretion and making out in mini-vans:

Yes, you can bet your ass I’ll be bringing you another Gerry Phillips masterpiece every week until he gets the wide recognition he deserves. And be sure to look for Mr. Phillips in a future “Final Countdown Throwdown“!

Add This to the “Phrases I Hate” List

December 5, 2007

I’ve been doing research for an upcoming post by reading a thread on that Matt Cutts’ blog. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Matt’s a great guy and he helps people and junk. Wonderful. He’s a sheep, I’m a goat. Whatever.

But one thing I keep reading over and over and over is starting to drive me nuts. It’s been a phrase uttered in the SEO sphere as long as I’ve been doing this junk. And I swear to god if I read it again I’m gonna’ climb up a fucking clock tower and start shooting people wearing purple or something. Holy shit it’s driving me nuts.

The phrase, you ask? Surely it can’t be as assinine as Web 2.0 or some other bullshit. Oh no, dearest reader, but it drives me as fucking ape shit bonkers as that. The phrase, Vanna?

“If only people(or spammers) would put their efforts into building great sites with great content instead of all this spammy garbage! Then the search engines wouldn’t have to work so hard and kittens would shit rainbows!”

You’ve seen these lines posted in forums and comments of search marketing blogs all over the internet. They usually begin with “I wish” or “if only” and are followed by some sort of bullshit about great content and effort and some other crap. And usually, they make me want to go set a dumpster on fire.

I mean, what the fuck, people. What the fuck. These kind of people remind me of fucking vegetarians and other kinds of assholes who spew this moralistic sounding garbage to make themselves sound better to the groupthink of whatever sheeple bullshit they’re buying into. Hey asshole, while you’re wishing and if-onlying, why don’t you wish cars ran on dreams? Or a hug could buy a steak dinner? Go give fucking Hugo Chavez a hug or something.

Oh! Here’s a brilliant idea! Why not wish the search engines would find a way to scrub this bullshit from their SERPs and then it would take all the profitability of these “spam” sites? What a novel fucking idea! Instead of relying on us lowly, asstard rejects to clean up the messes they kinda’ create, they do it themselves? Not a bad idea! “I wish the search engines would just redirect all these FUD campaign efforts into building great SERPs with great sites in them!”

When I’m researching how to turn soap into napalm, do I want sift through fifty MFA (called Made For Adsense for a reason . . . ) sites touting the scrubbing power of Dawn? Hell no. But I’m also a grown ass man. I have enough common sense to tell a good listing from a bad one. And it usually only takes one click to figure that shit out (if you see a bunch of Adwords ads on the page, you know it’s probably bullshit). And if I get tired of sorting through paid posts or whatever, I simply leave Google and go to Yahoo! (I would have said MSN but seriously, we all know about Live. What a joke!). How hard is that?