I thought waiting a day would make me feel better about these people, but it didn’t. As a matter of fact, if anything, it convinced me load the car full of flammable materials and drive to Redmond to burn some shit down.
I don’t care how much better your three column start page is, I hate you, MSN.
Yesterday I was treated to the pleasure of fucking Criss Angel looking as gangsta as a 40 year old emo magic boy can on your page. Nothing says lame-ass more than Criss Angel. Nothing says fucking lame-ass like Criss Angel looking showing bling (why the hell else would his fucking Timex be showing like that?) and looking all serious. Look, Criss Angel sucks. And you know who cares about Celine Dion? NOBODY.
Next, quit with all the tree-hugger shit already. Yeah, going green is great. Everybody should hold hands and plant trees and shit. I get it already. But last summer you forced fucking Live 8 down our throats for like three months. THREE MONTHS!!!!! And when it bombed, you kept acting like everybody wanted to see it. And now, yesterday, you run an ad, er, I mean article, where you take all these tips from TreeHugger.com on how to have a green sex life. A GREEN sex life. I can tell you, most people do NOT want the color green associated with sex. It usually means you got the clap or the syphilis or some other sort of nasty, drippy disease from that closing time hook-up at that dive bar. And who the hell would be turned on by hemp panties but some dirt-headed hippie? Those just sound like they have nasty rash written all over them. All this eco-stuff is having the exact opposite effect on me. I don’t want to save the earth, I want to pave the motherfucker over.
And finally, congratulations for bringing the backlink function back seven months after you killed it. But you know what? Having to put a “+” in front of it is ASSinine. It’s not hard, it’s just stupid. Grow up. Besides, it’s not like your rankings have improved. No matter how hard you try to trick us into doing a search on Live by making it look like we’ll find something compelling in your SERPs, we’re on to you. Your SERPs are still garbage. And the thing we end getting “tricked” into searching for is not nearly as exciting as your hype. You really ought to consider doing like Ask (who is kicking the shit out of you) and pay someone to provide your results. Seriously. I can hook you sorry asses up with a phone number.