The other day I was shopping at the Wal-Mart (hey, it ain’t cheap lookin’ this swass!) and I came across a little gem called the iFan. Yes, you’ve probably read about the iFan in other places in articles and posts written by other people. And, like those other people, I just looked at the cheap piece of plasticky junk, scratched my head and thought, “What the hell?”
Seriously though, what the hell. It’s as if since the friggin’ iPod all manufacturers of cheap shit you find at the Wal-Mart or other purveyors of cheap crap decided, “Hey, I know how to get rid of this shit. Put a small “i” in front of the noun that it is and we’ll make millions. Millions!” Then I imagine these assholes laughing all the way to Denny’s to have the Dagwood breakfast slam, some coffee and a toot of coke off the center console of their Ranchero (if they had class they would have had an El Camino. It may of not been the first of the car/pickup hybrid, but it is the classier of the two. Ranchero – sheesh. ) while Chinese children start putting this garbage together lest they risk death or dismemberment.
Of course, I blame Apple. Actually, I blame all the Apple Fanboys out there. Yeah, you people. You people take sub-par crap and elevate it to the level of cultural icon. You know what?!??!?! I don’t care that my mp3 player will outlive the four year life span Apple built into the iPod!!! I’ll be jammin’ to “Cum On Feel the Noize” while you’re at the friggin’ Apple Store getting suckered into dropping your hard earned cash on another one! Besides, I get FM radio. What do you get, other than the satisfaction of looking like every other jerkwad dancing around in those stupid ass ads? Oh, and for your information, I have no interest of hearing your interpretation of “Smooth Criminal”. And I can hear you just fine. You don’t have to yell, iDiot. Turn down the volume.
Anyways, Apple made a winner of a product. But why does every asswipe with an overseas manufacturing plant think that adding an “i” to the beginning of the product means we as the American consuming public are going to elevate it to the level of the iPod? Do they really think we’re that moronic (don’t answer that)? Have you seen the iFan? It’s garbage!!! You’d have to be a blind man with your hands gnawed off by rats to actually believe the iFan is worth the five bucks the Wal-Mart is trying to trick you out of.
And finally, the blame rests on the friggin’ morons who actually dropped actual money on any of these iProducts. You people are stupid. You people need to be shipped to India or China or Russia to bring down the collective IQ of the people in those countries so we’re more competitive on a global scale. In short, you people are the reason America is mocked internationally and I was able to get an “A” in Econ 101 despite only getting C’s and D’s on tests. Even poor little LiLi, who had her ankles hobbled so she’d take less bathroom breaks and be able to put more stickers on more iFans, thinks you’re a dumbass. For all the little LiLi’s out there, please do not buy these damn things or anything else with that damnedable “i” in front of it.
Man, I love gin.