Archive for August 10th, 2007

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

August 10, 2007

1. Jesus plays hockey. And he appears to enjoy it!

2. Being the nice guy of SEO doesn’t mean people won’t make you out to be an asshole. That’s why I prefer to show people I’m an asshole right from the get go.

3.  Mr. Cooper is an asshole.  Wow.

4.  Syphilis is called the French disease.

5. There’s actually a page dedicated to all the search-marketing terms I hate!

6.  Even with TwitBin, I don’t have the attention span necessary for telling people when I leave the room to take a dump.

7.  Vanessa Fox is speaking at SES San Jose!!!!! I am SO hoping her talk is about The Princess Bride this time.  And if I meet her, I don’t make a complete ass out of myself.  Which is what would probably happen.  It’s not like I’d wet myself and shake my hands in the air screaming.  It’s more like I’d say something like “my hands smell like armadillos” or something random.

A Friday Rant

August 10, 2007

Okay, I think it’s time for an old fashioned rant. I’ve got my tinfoil hat on, my 12 gauge is loaded, binoculars are by the window and I’m glaring at my neighbor. The lucky bastard is out there drinking beer and smoking cigarettes at 9:30 in the friggin’ morning. Thanks for rubbing it in that you don’t have to work for living, dick.

Okay, first rant comes courtesy of our good SEM friend, Syzlak. He posted something on web 3.0. Yes, web 3.0. What’s supposed to come after web 2.0, unless you believe we’re in web 2.5, then it would come after that. WHAT A BUNCH OF SHIT. I almost can’t typeathia this spsot post becaise I’m gaeatting so worekked up!!! Seriously – web 2.0 is a sham!!!!!! You don’t simply install this garbage and your internet is upgraded!!!!! People in America, yes, the friggin’ United States of America, are still using dial up!!!!! This software naming convention for something evolutionary is asinine!!!!! Screw that spelling. It’s ASSININE. It’s ridiculous, it’s straight up douchbaggery and it’s ASSININE. KILL IT NOW.

The next rant is aimed at Rand Fishkin. So some dude (and if you know me, dude isn’t some generic term for “guy”) writes an article about you, sphinns it, and then gets some discussion up there about you, shit someone else on your blog team wrote and then some shit you did three years ago. How do you respond? “Email me.” Here’s the deal. So what if it started off questioning your choice over the value of some directories. There are differences in opinions. But when someone starts acting like dick, you don’t have to respond. You were on friggin’ vacation!!! And by saying “email me” over and over, to a fucking gutter dweller such as myself, it looks like you’re trying to sweep something under the rug. You don’t have to do that. If you want my armchair QB advice, you either take him down like the punk he was being or don’t dignify him with a response. If you take him down, you call into question his real motives. You start searching all the forums and call out all the bullshit he’s brought up. Hell, someone even stated he’s regularly hating on SEOmoz. There you go. The dude is in friggin’ Florida. Florida. Anyone could see he was trying to get attention by dragging you down to the gutter. Which brings up the other option – don’t say a damn thing. You didn’t owe this guy shit. He wanted to get ugly (I don’t give a damn what the dude said in his article – bringing up history after you’ve cleaned up was making it ugly). So don’t give him the benefit of any credibility. You don’t have to explain shit. We all see what you do now. Just tell him that was then, this is now, and I don’t like Aviva. Or don’t even say any of that.

The whole Rand vs VanDeMar thing on Sphinn brings me to another rant – what’s wrong with this industry?!?!!?!?!?? When I was studying advertising, I often heard stories about copywriters going toe to toe with creative directors and all sorts of fist fights and shit. It made me proud to think I too could be one of these street brawlers. It almost made up for the fact I was so interested in getting into an industry based on not a whole helluva’ lot. But this whole deal, this, this isn’t street brawling. It’s not even pushing and shoving. It was straight up “I’m gonna’ call you a friggin’ liar and cheat and then say you’re not one because I don’t appear to be mean” followed by “I’m sorry for something I did three years ago and email me”. WTF?!?!!?!? If you’re gonna’ call some one out, call them out and stand there. Don’t hide behind a bunch of “I didn’t mean it like that” bullshit. And if you don’t mean it like that, read your shit before publishing it. And if someone calls you out, either tell them to get bent by not responding or take them down to the gutter. Don’t let some turd get away with questioning your integrity. And if you did some shit that was questionable, own it (which, Rand did). Besides, so what?!?!!? It’s not like this friggin’ industry is full of altar boys and nuns.

Final rant (for now) – what the hell is the deal with all these friggin’ telemarketers telling me to call them?!?!?!?!?!? It’s bad enough you people are irritating me while I’m trying to cook dinner/work/take a dump/get drunk, but then YOU PEOPLE want ME to run around my friggin’ house, find a damn pencil and take down your fucking phone number to call you back?!?!?!?!? GO SCREW YOURSELVES. You people are ignorant. You people are ASSININE (yeah, I’m trying to rank for the new, correct spelling). I hope you people get nothing but granny porn spam, viagra spam and emails from some prince in Nigeria needing your help to get money out of the bank. I hope when you people go to Hell, your eternity is spent needing to go to the bathroom but afraid to not answer the phone because you’re waiting to hear if you’re cat made it from surgery okay and then have it be me telling you to call me so I can tell you about some great vacation deal or some other bullshit.

Now where the hell did I put my shells? And my coffee cup?