7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week.

So, basically, for the last few months of unemployment, I’ve not been on the interweb so much.  As such, the following is going to totally suck.  Really.  I think your time would be better spent hitting yourself in the balls, or if you don’t have balls, hitting your neighbor in the balls.  Really.  And don’t blame me for it sucking.  Oh hell no.  I’m not taking the fall for this one.  I’m blaming Lifetime and their three hours of Wife Swap they have on every day.  Speaking of which, I gotta’ go.

1.  I told you all the  Twitter was no good.

2.  Someone finally found something good to do with sheep.  Well, besides making tasty street food that the Streko used to torture me about having access to.  Bastard.  I’d be eating Saltines and butter and he’d be all, “Guess what I had for lunch?” and I’d be all, “I dunno.” And he’d be all “Lamb kabob, you poor dumb fucker who doesn’t get to eat tasty lamb and yellow rice!”

3.  Jessica Simpson is exactly as smart as we think she is.

4.  I have nothing to say about this, except that it made Syzlak smile. And if it made him smile, it’s either really fucking awesome or something really fucking horrible.  Either way, it’s better than Al Roker.  So, it must really fucking awesome.  Okay, moving along . . . .

5.  Fred Durst is apparently making his last loop in the fame toilet.  And who knew he was that old?  Now, he just looks like that creepy guy in the bathroom at the bar who’s talking loudly about having banged some hot, young chick a million years ago.  Way to be that creepy guy, Freddy.  Though, to his credit, when’s the last time anyone thought of Fred Durst?

6.  Damn, that Facebook redesign must really be crap.

7.  Criss Angel is still a douchebag.  I’m glad to see some thing never change.

There you have it, assuming you actually made it through this and didn’t take my advise and punch your neighbor in the balls.  I bet you wish you had now.

Jennifer Linnuste Is Someone Who Works Somewhere, I Think

Alright, so all you all still remember that Jason Gambert fool who was going register “SEO” as a patent or trademark or something?  And then all he did was piss everyone off by making fake comments in blogs that called him on his shit?  And then we sent seven ways of crazy and decided he was going to be his own lawyer ala Sideshow Bob?  Yeah, that fucker.  This has nothing to do with him.  But if you look in the comments of my (should have been) Pulitzer nominated article (a term I’m using incredibly loosely here), then you’d see the latest controversy brewing: who exactly does Jennifer Linnuste work for?

No offense to Ms. Linnuste, but I don’t know who she is.  I can only assume she is incredibly attactive and very intelligent, as are all my readers.  What can I say?  If beautiful, intelligent people are moths, then I am their flame.  Though, I hope that doesn’t mean they start reading this and end up screaming and looking like a burn victic (no offense to burn victims).  Anyways, all I’m trying to say is that I’m awesome, and therefore since I am awesome, my readers must be some of the most intelligent, and extemely sexy people in the world.  I am not saying that I will light smart and beautiful people on fire.  That’s just bad business, especially if someday I plan on kidnapping all of these smart and beautiful people and starting my own high class prostitute empire.

Anyways, so it turns out, Jennifer Linnuste hopped on the Jason Gambert thread and left another interesting tidbit about everyone’s favorite jackass, Jason Gambert.  Turns out he takes credit for shit he doesn’t do.  Which isn’t a surprise since he more or less took credit for creating the term “SEO” and “search engine optimization”.  But as I said earlier, this has less to do with who Jason Gambert is (a jackass) and more to do with who Jennifer Linnuste is (apparently hot and smart).  Anyways, a few days later someone came back and said Ms. Linnuste had been shitcanned from getupdated.com, to which Jennifer replied, “Nuh uh.”

So, based on the comments and as little effort as possible, here are the conclusions I’ve drawn:

- Jennifer Linnuste is a super-hot lady with lots of brains since she reads this blog, or at least did once.

- Jennifer Linnuste is Swedish, which, if television has told me correctly, proves my “she’s hot!” theory.

- Don’t piss off Swedes or they’ll do something, like leave a comment on a blog about you being a liar and not having a job.

- Jennifer Linnuste probably still works for getupdated.com, regardless of what the fake Mike Pedone says.

- Mike Pedone may or may not work for getupdated.com, as does some random dude named Clinton (who isn’t Clinton Kelley from What Not To Wear).  And this guy Clinton claims to have invented the word “SEO”.  And he may or may not be able to dispense fashion advise (I’m leaning towards not).

- I apparently don’t have a life on Friday nights and stay home, getting drunk watching TLC.

- Jason Gambert is still a jackass.

So there you have it – the next big search marketing “controversy” that threatens to pit SEO vs SEO and cause a giant rift in the industry.  Or not.  Man, I have to go pee.

Hey, Asshole. Where You Been?

Well, I’ve been meditating (read: getting drunk and hiding out in the blanket fort) about what the future holds.  Right now, I’m pretty sure we’re headed towards a Mad Max reality.  But anyways, enough about me.

While I’ve been, er, meditating, I have to say that you, my loyal following, kick a lot of ass.  For reals.  I mean, you all check out where I’m at for the Worst Blog of All Time?  That’s right, right on the tail of Paris “I use MS Paint to Draw Cum on the Faces of Celebs” Hilton!  Okay, maybe “right on the tail” is the wrong phrase for someone whose stomping my brains in, and honestly, his isn’t the tail I’d like to, er, be on, but you get the idea.  I’m second, motherfuckers!  And all thanks to hyper-intelligent voters out there.

Next, I’d like to thank Melanie, Mr. Syzlak, Owlette, JDog and Devilman (I know I’m fogetting some others, so apologies) for keeping, well, I guess my head, in it.  You all are the best.  Thanks for sticking in there.

Anyways, I think I’m back.

SEMpdx SearchFest ‘09! Woohoo.

Another year, and another fine Searchfest.  It seems to get better each year, though I’m kind of bummed about this years lack of PDXers speaking.  I mean, you have Mintz, Syzlak, the Search Commander . . . these people know shit! And they’re local!  But at any rate, either way, this thing just gets better and better.  Seriously, all you all should get your asses to this event.  Want to see what you’re missing?  Well, then find a good live blogger and not me.  But at any rate . . . .

It’s a relief to see that Danny is not planning on disrobing like he did at SMX Advanced a few years back. He sounds a bit tired, sounds like he’s doing quite a few of these keynotes and is just trying to catch up.

Apparently, a few years back, Danny responded to a statement about Portland search by saying Port-where? Portland, Oregon, motherfucker! Read your itinerary, son! He defends himself by saying that there are marketers in Maine.  Okay, sure, give Maine some props.  But we all know Stumptown is THE Portland.  Get with it.

Alright, shit is getting some speed now.

Finally the mystery is solved SEM=SEO+PPC.  Wow, is it 2002 already?

Link building is still an unfortunate portion of SEM – the Danny should really just decree that link building doesn’t matter anymore.  Maybe then the Danny Deciphles and the Cuttlets will be all happy and junk.

Glad to hear the Danny stressing the importance of usability. Too often people try to just polish a turd.  But if a motherfucker can’t use your crappy site, they ain’t gonna’ pull any triggers.  Or certainly you’re gonna’ be leaving money on the table.

Btw, sem != seo  That’s right.  I don’t know what that means, but I thougth math would make it look more important.

The Danny sings the shit out of John Dvorak of PC Magazine.

I always love how often the Danny uses the word dude, even when he really shouldn’t be.  It’s kind of like that lovable frat boy/surfer your sister brought to Thanksgiving last year and made everything awkward.

Trying to rename SEO…not sure why, it sounds like it’s just to avoid being called snake oil salesmen. Seems kind of silly to just rebrand instead of agreeing to not talk out of our asses. Also, didn’t Syzlak rename SEO as searchability some time ago?  Just sayin’, me and the Syz are ahead of the curve is all.

Get rid of crap hat – huh?  Then what will we where to parties?

Danny Sullivan has become the Nancy Reagan of crap control; his orders are to just say no.  And now we’re going to launch an expensive, never-ending war against illegal crap content.  Great.  The street price of crap content just went up ten fold.

Mushrooms have kicked in, the Danny’s talking about a fairy land with dolphin unicorn dragon rainbows. And then the Danny says no hype cycles, only bicycles. He shows one, it’s lame. Told you all the Danny was a hippie.

Now we’re onto pixeldust – the man is loaded. Side note, there’s some guy in here wearing a white flat brimmed hat, not a fedora…the other one, the one that smooth guys on islands where. Like, someone that would be behind an evil scheme to put Magnum under.  Man, this is a fucked up city.

Nice to hear Danny just breeze past Paid Search, not saying that it’s good or bad, big or little, but more that it exists and is about on the same par as SEO. Very political.

Ahhhhhh, Wonder Twins references. Meh.  Syzlak did that already too.

Time for coffee, hair of dog and being awesome.

So, Here We Are

Yeah, it’s been a while again. Who knows.  I feel like I should live blog some shit, but I’m lazy, sick and in a shitty mood.  So who knows.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, stand by for news!  God bless, Mr. Harvey.  My radio sucks without you.

Anyways, yeah, we’ll see what happens.

Saravut Is Not A Scraper Spammer, Just A Jerk

So, a while back, like a long while back, a bunch of my junk got jacked and “repurposed” on some shitty scraper site.  Naturally, being a loud-mouthed asshole, I made sure all four or five of my readers knew about it.

Several months later, in the comments of that awesome post, I see that the fella’ I called out on it finally responded.  Not only did he respond, he kindly (kindly as in calling me a “fuck up”) asked me to take down my post, if I am “manly” enough.

I can admit when I’m wrong.  And apparently, the research I did that pointed at our friend Saravut was wrong.  He wasn’t the scraper; he was just hosting the scraped content.  So, Saravut, I apologize for that post and calling you a scraping, spamming asshole who didn’t link back to my crappy post that was jacked in the first place.  Saravut is just a host, and not a bad guy.

Now that that’s out of the way, might I offer a suggestion.  When someone thinks you’ve fucked them over when you haven’t, it’s generally not a good idea to tell them you don’t care that their content has been “ripped” and that they’re a “ripper too” and a “fuck up”.   I mean, seriously, was that really a good way to get me to build empathy and want to take that post down?  Hell no.  And then to comment three minutes later to the remember to read your other comment?  Seriously?  Dare me and call into question my manhood all you like, but we all know that by doing as you ask then means that I’m a chicken shit and afraid of you and are doing whatever you tell me to.  That, by default, is not manly.

So, I’ve apologized to you, Saravut.  I’m sorry you had a crappy client that was stealing other peoples’ shit and I apologize for saying shit about you when I thought you were scraping my content.  For all I know, you’re a wonderful host and a pillar of integrity.  And I understand your comments were probably done in the same anger that caused me to do that post in the first place.  It sucks to have someone blame you for shit you didn’t do.  I’ll meet you halfway – I’ll link from that post to that post.  But I’m not taking the fucking thing down.  Those comments came across as bullying and being a jerk.  If you’re not a bully or a jerk in real life, I apologize for that as well.

And if you all need a Thai server and a good host, give Saravut a call. I think his email or his service is in one of the comments. =)

I’ve Seen The Enemy – He’s A Jackass

So, I think I’m done being mopey and shit for a while, which means I’m pissed. Not pissed in the British sense, but in the American sense where I’ll get pissed in the British sense and then go on a alcohol and gasoline fueled rampage because I’m pissed in the American sense. Mmmm, nothing like the taste of gin on the tongue and the smell of 82 octane on the nose. But anyways, yeah, I actually got on the interweb and read and junk (turns out panhandling at Starbucks is GREAT. The people have more money than they do at the library and you can get wi-fi. Who the hell panhandles at the library? Dumb people, that’s who.  Poor people go to the library. Rich people buy books, poor people borrow them. Though at the library you can look at as much totally fucked up porn and they won’t toss you out. Try that in front of the Starbucks, they aren’t so cool with it. BUT, you will get called “Sir”).

What was it I read? You might be thinking it’s something about Dougie Heil and everyone all happy and shit that he went SES or that he’s calling black hats white hats or whatever. Surprisingly, that only annoyed me. I mean, c’mon people. Who gives a fuck what Doug Heil thinks?!??! Motherfucker sold out and spoke on a panel he’s at a conference he’s always dogged. I’m sure he spun it somehow to make it look like a victory for him, but he’s not as big a punk as the people that embraced him and are looking to him for validation. You want my opinion – more people should have taken the Rae Hoffman approach to that shit. But anyways, that isn’t what really pissed me off.

What really pissed me off was a Vannessa Fox article about some punk ass ragging on the industry (yes, I realize I’m way fucking behind if I just read this). Sure, we all know who the number one hater is and honestly, it seems like she’s just trying to get back at some guy for a failed romance. And we’re all aware of the pluses and minuses of this shit and we all wring our little hands about it and shit. Whatever. But what pissed me off was his response to Vanessa’s thoughtful and well-written post (yes, I remember throwing my fanboydom to Rebecca Kelley, but I just can’t quit her! Besides, this guy comes off as a bully and a dick).

Okay, first off, dude, if she gave your show a plug, the worst thing to do is to throw it back in her face. She said she had fun on that shit. I was thinking of trying to get the rabbit ears to tune that shit in until I read your fucking comment and remembered reading it was your fucking show she was going on.

Next, making it so a friggin’ search engine can comprehend what your shit-ass site about is evil? Who the hell is this guy pissed at – SEO or Google? From what I understand, Google is trying to make SEO unnecessary. SEOs on the other hand are trying to make Google work in their favor. And this makes them in cahoots or whatever the hell it is this guy is going on and on about? Umm, if this guy is some sort of cranky tech journalist, motherfucker needs to learn to research or something. And maybe it’s more obvious what he’s all worked up about in his articles, but frankly, I didn’t read them (I’m lazy and that’s when the Starbucks assholes got the police involved in the whole panhandling/looking at porn thing).

Third – he’s pissed about Google’s “non-repeatable searches” and then pissed that their shit is getting gamed? For reals? To me, that’d say they’re working at getting the most relevant searches for a query at a given time and working against it getting gamed. I mean, shit, I don’t want to see the same fucking results for a search I did six years ago. And if the results were shitty, I sure as hell don’t want to see them an hour later. And from what I understand, this guy thinks their results are shitty anyways because they chock full of parked pages or something (which, doesn’t that mean they’re not changing if you keep seeing these pages?).

Fourth – was it really necessary to be a dick to Ms. Fox? Yeah, I’m hung up on that. She gives a nice, measured response to his criticisms and he’s a dick to her. Fuck that. Don’t get pissed at her because Google is shitty.

Fifth – using Bush one-liners from Katrina is sooooo 2007. C’mon, Dvorak, you’re smarter than that.

Sixth – well, there isn’t a sixth. I mean, sure, he apparently bags on the industry, but like I said, that shit ain’t new. And even some of the shit he hates is old news. YAWN.

So anyways, I have a new addition to the enemies list. John Dvorak, you’re dead to me. Though, to be honest, until I read Vanessa’s post, I didn’t even know you existed, and it looks like we might have some common ground, and I’ll probably pawn the company machine in a week or two and not even be on the interweb, so it’s not it’s a major loss. Besides, you could probably give two shits about this hell hole awesome blog anyways.

Anyways, so yeah.  I’m not a big fan of this guy right now.

SEO Hack Gets Canned. Vanessa Fox Eats a Salad. Life Goes On.

Before getting into this post, I recommend hitting play on the YouTube thingy so there’s some music to go with this post. After all, I did declare it official song of the search industry, and I think it’s fitting for this post. Thanks.

So, I guess this it. I’m a bit surprised, though I guess it was inevitable. I thought all this would have went down in a fire of lawsuits and accusations with a hail of f-bombs. But we’ve had some good times, right? Right? I mean, there was that one time that, er, well, so I don’t have a highlights reel. Maybe there weren’t so many good times. I know I’m still proud of my commentary on black and white dog films of yore. But anyways.

I don’t know if there are any rumors or any speculation out there; I sincerely doubt there is. I mean, there’s only like five people who read this thing, and I know for fact all five of you have better shit to do than wonder what I’m doing or have been doing or may be doing. I’d love to tell you I’ve been raising a militia to go and take over Alberta and Texas by force and that’s why I’m leaving, but it’d be a lie. Er, actually, that’s what I’m doing. I’m invading Alberta and Texas. Has nothing to do with the compromising of my deniability and it sucking the joy out of doing this because at my core I’m a paranoid motherfucker. Nor does it have anything to do with the economy, which is GREAT for SEO (or so I’m about to find out!). At any rate, I might not be around much, as, you know, I’m trying to gather arms and personnel or something.  Alberta is great for oil and wheat, but Texas has access to the ocean and Mexico.  Anyways, just think about that.

Though I’m out there, fighting Mounties and Texas Rangers to the death, do know this. I still hate that emo-magic boy Criss Angel. I still think Cameron Diaz is a man. The Worst SEO Blog Ever!’s top keyword referrer is “poop porn”. I’m glad John Lovitz put the hurt on Andy Dick. And I hope to visit a Waffle House again someday.

To my loyal comrades, thank you for your support and to my loyal readers, thanks for all the times you stopped by. I really don’t know what to say to you all except thank you and I’ll miss you (assuming things take a turn for the worse). And if the above doesn’t make much sense, I urge you to watch the following video (only to the 4:37 mark, unless you totally get off on watching credits, which is pretty fucked up).

If that was just confusing, I hope the following makes more sense and puts everything into perspective.

Thanks. And I hope to see you all around soon.

PS – Don’t mix sleeping pills and gin. People think you’re all “suicidey” and junk. Then you get to spend a lot of time having people watching you. Think goodbye nose picking and masterbating. It’s like thinking the ghosts of your ancestors are watching you, except for the fact they’re not ghosts and you can tell they’re judging you.

PSS – Interventions are not nearly as fun as they appear on TV. They’re like the worst party ever. Especially when there’s nothing to intervene on. I’m pretty sure my friends are just assholes.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Fuck, this week I had the attention span of a gnat on speed.  There was nothing.  It’s a miracle I ever actually got all the way dressed and went into public.  That’s right – the Hack actually left the compound and went out in public for a little bit.  Then I remembered how dirty and creepy the public is crawled back to the compound for several hours worth of hand-washing.  The things we do for a free drink.  God, I can still feel the fucking bugs crawling all over me.

So, despite the fact my skin feels like it’s crawling and I can’t concentrate, I actually managed to cobble this post together.  All the usual warnings about it wasting your time, pissing you off, sucking horribly, blah blah blah.

1.  Never trust old people.

2.  Some things are way too fucking cool to explain.

3.  Some men are secure with having a shrimp in their pants.   See, that’s supposed to be funny because men don’t like being told they have small penises, but this guy had shrimp in his pants.  Not a small penis, but actual shrimp.  Therefore, small penis equals shrimp, but in this case there were literally shrimp in the guy’s pants.  Hilarious, no?  So, the joke (if that’s what this was) pretty much writes itself.  I should have just linked to the page.  And I don’t know if the guy has a short dick or not.  I only know, from reading the article, he had a bag of shrimp in his pants.  It’s not like he’s my neighbor, who is drinking beer and smoking cigarettes at ten in the morning (lucky bastard).   Though, I don’t know the size of my neighbor’s pecker either.  Okay, let’s get off the subject of penises.   This is just getting awkward.

4.  Do NOT piss off Japanese women.  Actually, I highly recommend not pissing off women in general.

5.  If you’re looking to roll and smoke a giant joint made from dollar bills, it’s generally not a good idea to threaten to stab people, especially off duty cops.   All that shit for a lighter?  Seriously?

6.  It doesn’t matter if you’re the Mr. Rogers of the industry – piss enough people off they’ll think you’re an arrogant dick.   Seriously though, is this really the biggest thing we’re worried about?  Some of it sounds like people being pissy for the sake of being pissy and morally outraged (think Doug Heil). Though, I’ve read that thread and I still have no fucking idea how to keep my shit from getting crawled.  Luckily for me, I don’t give a shit.

7.  The most disappointing album in history is about to be released.  Hopefully that free Dr. Pepper will wash the bitter taste of shittiness from our mouths.

Alright, that’s all I have for now.  Let’s go fuck something up now.

Ed Magedson Fucks Goats?

So, the weirdest thing is going on. After highlighting RipOffReport.com and then giving Ed “I’m Not An Extortionist, I’m An Asshole” Magedson a nod in the seven, I got an email about the the man himself. Now, being a bit of a consumer advocate myself, I decided I needed to do the right thing and share this note with the public. The author asked to be anonymous, and, like Ed Magedson, I’m taking the writer at his word and am not following up to see if it’s true or not. Apparently Mr. Magedson must have pissed this person off. As it turns out, I’m also now in the reputation management business, so Mr. Magedson, if this offends you, let me know and I can “help” (wink wink, nudge nudge) you “fix” (wink wink, nudge nudge) your reputation on this matter.

Anyways, to the letter!

Dear SEO Hack,

Thank you for shining the light on this Ed Magedson character again. He is out of control and needs to be stop, for the reasons mentioned in your brilliantly written post, but also for another – he won’t quit fucking my goats.

The other night I heard a ruckus in my goat pens. Being in Arizona, and fearing it was the chubacabra, I grabbed my rifle and ran out the door. Sure enough, there was a chubacabra at work, but instead of sucking my goats, he was fucking them! I shined my flashlight, and this crazy, long-haired fellow stood up and hissed and ran off into the night. Figuring it was just a lonely frat boy from Arizona State, I went back inside and went to bed.

Well, I thought that was the end of it, but I was wrong. Dead wrong. That son of a bitch was back the next night! And the night after that! Then he had the gall to knock on my door and ask for a propholactic! I kindly asked him if he’d quit fucking my goats, but he said, “Do you know who I am? I’m Ed Magedson! I’ll fuck whoever I want! Now give me some rubbers, damn it!” As you can see, I was shocked and a bit pissed off. Not only has he fucked my goats, but because he’s been there so many times, they won’t come in to heat. As a result, I have no replacement goats or a way to grow my herd, but that damn Ed Magedson would probably just fuck them too.

I’m just a humble goat herder trying to scratch out my existence in Arizona. I have enough problems with the coyotes and “goat suckers”, and now this goat fucker is going to bankrupt me. Please let the world know about the TRUE Ed Magedson.

Thank you, you dear, sweet man,

- Anon

Well, I’ll let you make up your own mind. Does Ed Magedson really fuck goats? Like Ed, I can’t vouch for the truthfulness of that email, but obviously he has upset someone and needs to make it right. This may or may not be true, but, like Ed Magedson, I’m not in the fact checking business.