Hey, I’d just like to extend a quick thank you to the seven people who are taking up the mantle and helping me fight the bad fight against Perez Hilton and his domination of “Worst Blog Of All Time”. And who are those seven people, you ask?

Well, in a shameless link plug that hopefully doesn’t sink any battleships, these fine, intelligent example of what’s best about mankind:

First up, Ms. Phung, our very own baby momma of content. She’s the one who started this fight. Now it’s up to us to finish it.

Comrade Syzlak, loyal to a fault. Actually, not really. He might consider throwing my sorry ass under the bus. But he did vote anyways!

And then there’s the Streko, who thinks this is some sort of scam. And the elegant doomster hisself, Bill D, who seconds the motion. But you know what? They still voted anyways!

I’d be remiss not to mention that even Matt McGee, the nicest guy in the industry, has voted for the Worst SEO Blog Ever! to win Worst Blog of All Time. If Matt voted, it can’t be all bad, can it?

Let’s not forget Katy8439. Honestly, I have no idea who the hell this is. But I do know this - Katy is obviously a person of superior intelligence and integrity. Just tell me where to point the link!

And finally, last but not least, there’s Justin, who made the big trek from Arizona to Wisconsin. Despite totally uprooting his entire life for a couple of days visit to the fam, he’s taken the time and has the courage to do the right (-ish) thing - vote to defeat Perez Hilton’s domination!

I completely understand what a pain in the ass it is to go there, register and then vote. It almost kept me from doing what I’m asking of you. It really is. I mean, why so much bullshit to go through? And the fucking site crashes? What the hell? That’s fucked up! But please don’t let it keep you from creating an account and voting for the Worst Blog of All Time. Join the ranks of these loyal, awesome and hyper-intelligent folks. Help a fucker, will ya?

Okay, first a warning.  This week’s 7 really, really sucks.  That whole job thing got in the way of me learning anything, and when  you read them, not only are going to realize how horrible they are, you’re going to think, “That SEO Hack really is a lazy fuck!  I should kick the shit out of him! I want my five minutes back, you prick!”

Another thing, what is up with all you people and the”poop porn”?  I’m number two right now (heheheh, that joke never gets old!  Oh wait, it just did), and man, I don’t know if it’s the sunshine or what but I’m getting hit with a lot of traffic for it from some sickos!  Or it could be one pervo that keeps getting fooled.  At any rate, it’s crazy and distracting.  Here I’m trying to be all legit and shit and I get most my traffic from some really disappointed fucker who can’t read looking to travel the ol’ Hershey highway.  Oh well, I guess bad traffic is better than no traffic at all, eh?

1. The government is distracting us from the real threat with all this illegal alien stuff. To arms, people!

2. Not only is Syzlak better than me, I’m him! Numbers don’t lie, folks. And I’m guessing he’s still petting his Agent Scully doll too. Seriously though, could you blame him?

3. Vern Troyer has a sex tape. Insert your own “Mini-Me” penis related joke here.

4. I’m even more legit than I was last week! That’s right, punks!!! Syzlak and I got top billing in a post by Ms. Kelley. Not only do we look like real for real SEOs, we kinda’ come off looking smart! Or at least Syzlak does.

5. Apparently, American Indians (feathers, not spots) don’t live in teepees anymore. Wow. And from what I understand, both American Indians and Indian Americans hate when people differentiate between them with the feather - spot thing. But that doesn’t tell which bathrooms she-males go potty in, nor why white people smell like wet dogs when it rains. At any rate, I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell ‘cuz I find this site friggin’ hilarious!

6.  Some enterprising Floridians found a way to pay for transportation in these times of increasing fuel prices.

7.  Never bring a banana to a knife fight.  Okay, that one was a total cop-out.  I admit it.  But if you read the article, they have an even worse “banana split” pun.  As such, I feel entitled to churn out my own crappy play on words.  C’mon - it was that bad, was it?  Besides, that is actually solid advice.  You know, ‘cuz a banana won’t cut a punk.  And if you’ve ever tried to fight someone with a knife with a banana . . . alright, I give up.

Have a good weekend.

Okay, I know people steal shit all the time.  I’ve come to accept on that on the interweb, your shit is going to get scraped, stolen and re-purposed to make some fuckwad some cash.  Fine.  But when it’s a company that not only steals your fucking content, but your page design as well, and then puts it in frames . . . fuck that.  Well, sure, it isn’t my page design, but it still pisses me the fuck off.

Fuck you, CompuServe.  Fuck you and fuck your pervo little fuckwad user-tard that found this den of awesomeness through your shit-ass stealing.  I hope that fucker was pissed that he didn’t find the awesome porn he was looking for and fucking quits your asses and uses a real fucking search engine.

And don’t give me that “they could click Remove Frame and that’d take them to your site” bullshit.  Firstly, I highly doubt they’d bother.  The fucker would see that there was no poop porn or awesome porn or whatever his fucking sick-ass jolly is and then go back to your crappy-ass search.  Second, what the fuck good is it doing me?  “You get a link!” you say.  Fuck that.  I don’t want to rank for “Remove Frame”.  I want to rank for something awesome, like “Totally Fucking Awesome Blog You Must Read!” or hell, I’d even settle for “poop porn”.  I’m not particular.

So, anyways, dearest CompuServe, have a nice shot of Go Fuck Yourselves on the house.  Fuckers.

I know there’s a lot of you out there that don’t feel this SEO blog is worth a Google fridge, a rubber chicken or a SEMMY. I’ve come to terms with that. I accept that this is a den of mediocrity; I’m okay with that. Seriously, things are better now than they were last January.

BUT - I’ve been nominated again, suckers! That’s right! Not only am I fucking legit, I’ve been nominated for an award I think I am worthy of for a change. Comrade Melanie has nominated the Worst SEO Blog Ever for Worst Blog Of All Time! That’s right!

Now, you’d think I’d be a friggin’ shoo-in for this, but I’ve checked out the competition. As it turns out, the current leader for Worst Blog Of All Time is friggin’ Perez Hilton. Now, all you all know how I feel about his dog. But this isn’t about dogs. This is about the worst blog ever. And I’m up against a giant. That fucker has media exposure from all over and a dedicated following of lovers and haters. This fucker, on the other hand, has a loyal few (not to be mistaken for fucking Criss Angel’s Loyal, who we will CRUSH when it’s go time) and absolutely no love or hate from anybody. I tried to get hate mail and it didn’t work. The fucking media don’t know who the hell I am. But dye your hair pink and use MS Paint to draw cum on some movie star’s face and you’re a fucking celebrity. You see what I’m up against.

So please, help a fucker. I’m not asking for cash (though I won’t turn any down!) and I’m not asking for you to adopt anything. Hell, if you hate children, I don’t care. This isn’t about kids. This is about some pissant taking down a media giant. And if you care, even better - if you don’t care, then vote for the Worst SEO Blog Ever! in the category Worst Blog Of All Time. Your vote won’t matter this November. But it will matter when you vote for the Worst SEO Blog Ever! Make difference. Help a fucker.

Thank you for your support.

Alright, so another week down the drain. And it seems this week the Plurk hit “the big time” - and by big time I mean the industry is all hot and bothered about it. How can you tell? There’s several ways. First, people start calling themselves and other people on the medium some nauseating, cutesy term that incorporates the platform’s name or a variation of. For the Twitter, I assumed it was twats. For the Plurk, it appears to be plurkers. Accompanying names is the next sign: annoying vocabulary, or plurkalary, as friggin’ Syzlak likes to call it. The final sign is an abundance of articles espousing the wonders of the Plurk are starting to show up on the Sphinn, giving marketers tips on how to market to other, er, umm, marketers.

Anyways, on to the edumacational segment of this broadcast!

1. Some guy in Australia got bit on the cacker by a snake and drank rum to “fix” it. I don’t know what else I could add to this.

2. Big Head Teddy may not ever win, but may end up as McCain’s VP. Or maybe the Geico Gecko will. Hell, I really need to spend more time reading these things. Anyways, Big Head Teddy or the Geico Gecko may or may not be a on some sort of vice president short list.

3. Billy Idol is responsible for one of the worst songs of the 80’s, or perhaps of even all time. I mean, what the hell? There’s no amount of Billy’s sneerage that can save this turd of a song. Seriously. From the cheese-dick hand-clap drum strikes or whatever the fuck those were to the lame-ass synth solos to horrible lyrics, it’s just everything I loathe about the genre. Even the fucking bondage-themed dancers don’t seemed inspired by this crap-fest of a song! If I had heard this song before watching the Wedding Singer, I so would have been cheering for Glenn to take Billy out. Fucking wanker. This totally ruined Dancing With Myself for me forever. Fuck you, Billy Idol. And fuck you classic rock radio station for continuing to place this shit. Fuckers.

4. Not only is bacon fucking awesome, bacon is fucking healthy!

5. I’ve been nominated for an award that I think we can all agree on - Worst Blog Ever! Help a fucker win something, won’t you?

6. I know what it’s going to look like when I go to hell. On the upside, Cirque du Soleil are offering me the opportunity to win a chance to punch Criss Angel in the fucking face. Silver linings and all that.

7. And, for the final reference to Ms. Mel, Happy Friggin’ Birthday! Seriously, you should have just wrote this today. Anyways, hope it’s a good one and I apologize for the late present. Apparently, it’s not a good idea to ship one of those giant cakes full of strippers across country. I guess they die and stuff. But it’s the thought that counts, right?

Alright all you all, hope that wasn’t too painful.  Have a good weekend and junk.

That’s right!

All you all who said I was a dumbass and a clown and that I wouldn’t ever be taken seriously (I’m looking at you, dad), kiss my ass!  I’ve been quoted!  Not only have I been quoted, I had a whole paragraph!  And not only was it a whole paragraph, it was actually something about SEO!  How you all like me now?

Furthermore, that quote-job did something that I am totally unable to do - make me look halfway intelligent.  That’s right - me look smart!  It’s pretty fucking incredible, I know, but there it is!  In black and white to boot!  And these folks don’t lie (I hope, ‘cuz they make me look real good here!).

And this isn’t the first time I’ve looked like I know what I’m doing.  You all read about how the awesome blog people told everyone but me and two other people to kill their blogs.  And those people know their shit.

So, the lessons here?  I type stuff that people read.  And I may not end up in the gutter searching for half smoked cigarettes and loose change like the guidance counselor said I would after all.  In your faces!

Either I’m getting lazy or there’s nothing new on the interweb.  It’s getting hard to learn a damn thing!  I mean, I search and I read and I don’t learn anything.  That, or this whole “job thing” is totally getting in the way of me doing seriously important work.   I mean hell, usually I have at least three or four things by Friday but this week I only had two.  Two!  What the hell?  Anyways, prepare yourself for the mediocrity . . . here’s what I learned this week.

1. Butt cooties originated in Chicago.

2. The boomers are gonna’ be tough to kill. Seriously - a nail to the head? That’s fucking hardkore.  More hardkore - using a friggin’ claw hammer to remove the nail.  But when you think about it, it makes total sense.

3. OMG - people on the internet are assholes! And sexist! Unless you know them. Then it’s cool. But if you don’t know them, then they’re obviously sexist motherfuckers who deserve to be castigated then castrated. Seriously though, after deciding a site is sexist and then taking the time to write on another social site about how abusive it is to you, my vote is don’t find some “woman-friendly social site” that basically talks about make-up, Sex and the City and fashion. Oh hell no. If Lifetime movies have taught me anything, you pick up a gun and kill the abusive fucker. Is there anything the TV can’t teach us?

4. I’ll be writing-in Donald Duck for President again this fall. Some day, Donald, some day!

5. When the Streko bitches, the Sphinn moans.

6. Despite month’s of having to suffer through Jack Black mugging for the camera in kung-fu inspired poses and generally making an annoying ass out of himself, Kung Fu Panda was released just last weekend. Holy shit. I’m already sick of this fucking movie and it’s only been out a week. I swear to god if I see another trailer for what appears to be a crap-fest, I’m going to napalm a bamboo forest out of spite. Jack, buddy, put down the bong and quit making a whore of yourself. You’re one lousy costume away from Jim Carrey land.

7.  Nothing sez “Honest Car Salesman” like greasy, slicked-back hair accompanied by an open butterfly color shirt to show off a gold chain and a cigarette dangling from the lip.  Guido say what?

Alright, so pretty mediocre (I did warn you, so you can’t get too pissed off at me).  Oh well.  That shouldn’t surprise you.  And if it does, you can’t be pissed at me for being schmuck.

Oh, and did I mention I’m back at the top for poop porn in the Google?  That’s right!  Number two, bitches!  Wurd! Heheheh, number two for poop porn . . . that still cracks me up.  Number two . . .  heheheh.  Being immature is awesome.

If a newcomer with a slick interface starts stepping all over your dick and taking your users, the best response is to not keep showing a big, white whale.  Especially when all it does is make you look large and slow.  Way to make it easy for the other to move into your territory.

You got to tune your shit and get it ready to run.  Some new punk all up in your shit?  Show ‘em why it’s hard to beat the first one in the space.  Don’t just encourage people to dump your ass and go and use the new kid.  The fucking new kid is pretty fucking cool.  And the only reason so many people know is because you can’t keep your cracked ass up and running.  Shit, I like the new kid better.  You know why?  He’s a lot more fun and he’s actually able to do shit more than once in a while!

Then when there’s people saying you’re gonna’ get a ton of money and shit, being broken all the time just makes you look like a fucking clown!  You used to be big, man!  You used to be somebody!  Now, you’re just, I don’t know, you’re just quiet and broken and shit.

You’re just broken.  And everybody used to like you best.

Last week was the famed SMX Advanced in lovely (yes, I’m being kind) Seattle. Ah, I remember last year’s SMX Advanced. Well, sort of. I mean, I remember drinking a lot with Syzlak if that counts for anything. I think at the Microsoft kick-off party at one point I had secured seven beverages for myself in one place. Yes, you read that correctly - at one point I had in my possession seven un-drunk(?) drinks waiting to be drank. Sad, I know. Perhaps that’s why I wasn’t allowed to go to this year’s.

So, apparently, they did it again this year and some people are upset and wringing their hands that it was too black hat, which then prompted the Danny to write something that defended his conference or something (I think, I just read the headline). Now some others are wringing their hands that perhaps it wasn’t black enough or something (I’ll read the article later, promise!). At least that’s how I think it’s going. To be honest, I can’t be assed into reading them because it’s these people being all upset about being at a conference and learning something when a poor bastard such as myself had to stay home and work.

That’s right! Some poor motherfuckers didn’t get to go! And then you all keep rubbing our ignorant ass noses in the fact we might have missed something totally awesome in the Give It Up session or some of the other ones! I don’t think you all actually care that it was too black or white or gray or whatever. As a matter of fact, I’m convinced all you all are just taking this opportunity to throw it up in my face and say, “HA HA! SEO Hack is a stupid, cheap-ass!” That’s it, isn’t? Yeah, you know what, I’m going to put together my own fucking conference and it will be fucking awesome. And then all you all will have to listen to me gloat about all the awesome shit I talked about and whether or not I should have talked about it.

Anyways, apparently to some of you all having the opportunity to learn and worry about learning this shit is important, I get that. But honestly, in the end, does it really matter all that much? Seriously? I’d have an opinion, but, oh yeah, I DIDN’T GET TO GO.

No.  Sorry.