7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

Okay, heads up, this week’s kind of sucks. That’s all I’m going to say. I have no excuses or reasons - it just does. Seriously.

1. Apparently some scientists have never seen a dog screw someone’s leg. Nor have they heard of the interweb where this kind of awesome shit can be found in spades. Maybe Miss South Caroline was right. At any rate, I fail to see what makes it so “rare”. Funny yeah, but rare?

2. Woody Allen is apparently making the best movie ever. Okay, it might actually suck, but I’m sure there’s at two minutes that’ll be worth a shit.

3. I’m the only one who likes The Final Countdown. I can take a hint. But, before I let this drop, let it be known that not only have I given the SEO Industry standards, I’ve also given you people a theme song. Hell, I even suggested an official band for the industry! If you all don’t like my standards and my theme song suggestion, come up with your own.

4. You don’t fuck with Loretta Lynn. Yet, she sings these things so sweetly!

5. There’s a reason people want to beat the shit out of English majors.

6. Fuck your flying sharks, flying tanks, flying kittens and flying dogs. Flying Swiss!

7. I think a congratulations is in order for Ms. Mel and for El Tigre! Ms. Mel - I can always fix that link if you like.

Alright, no all you all can get back to the Twitter now that it’s fixed or that drama of the fake news story that got all those links. Honestly, I’d be surprised if anyone even bothered to read this shit today! I mean, c’mon! They got a spot on Fox that’s playing on the YouTube! You know you want to go in there. Besides, it’s Friday. It’s not like you’re going to get any real work done.

Final Countdown Throwdown, Part 2

Alright, it’s been a while since the first Final Countdown Throwdown, and since I got nothing today I thought this would be the perfect opportunity for another installment of FCT. Last time, as you recall (and if you don’t you better get your ass to that post), the pale-faced, screechy boys from Norther had their asses handed to them by some random guys in matching black t-shirts at some random county fair. How did Norther lose, you ask? Because no one else voted and I decided SRGIBT’s were the ultimate of awesome. Plus, this blog is a dictatorship (and, perhaps dicktatorship) and I liked them better anyways.

In this installment, we have Children of Bodom (what or where the hell is Bodom?) versus the Squarepants Funtime Band. First up, COB:

Okay, now that’s pretty fucking awesome. It’s got the fucking hot ass licks of speed metal plus the screechy vocals combined with a galloping beat we’ve come to expect from death/speed metal covers of the Final Countdown. The interesting thing is on the YouTube there’s all sorts of debate over whether or not this is really Children of Bodom or if it’s Norther or some other band. Personally, I could give a shit. I don’t know who any of these bands are anyways if they didn’t have covers of the Final Countdown! God, I want to go out and destroy shit and build a rocket. And the fucking solo - fuck yeah. FUCK YEAH! That’s how you get it the fuck on! And the fucking double pedaling on the bass drum? Shit, I have to go change my pants.

Okay, after that well of awesomeness, next up is the Squarepants Funtime Band:

I have to admit, this is a very tame and true to the original version of Final Countdown. While initially I was all for the “let’s go burn down some libraries and fuck shit up” version by COB (or whichever band it is), what you have to give the Spongebob Funtime Band is they brought all the pomp and majesty of glam rock while amping it up for the arena. Costumes - excellent idea. I know the whole high school marching band thing has been done to death, but so has 80’s hair metal. It’s kitschy and cool all at the same time. Might I dare say, oh yes, this is fucking punk rock (used as an adjective, not musical genre). And if you doubt how hard this rocks, just check out the looks on the faces of the crowd. Lucky bastards. The only thing that would be luckier for them is if the arena collapsed and killed them all so they wouldn’t have to face the disappointment of nothing being as fucking awesome as the rock spectacle the Squarepants Funtime Band honored them with.

This is gonna’ be a tough call for me. While I love the “make-you-want-to-punch-your-boss-in-the-face” sound of COB’s version of Final Countdown, I appreciate and admire the audacity of the Squarepants Funtime Band. This your chance to pick a winner! And I don’t mean from your nose!

I’m a Uniter, Not a Divider

Turns out that I’m the one who could turn the reputation of the search industry around. “What’s that?” you ask.

Remember all that bullshit when aimClear was all upset and calling the Feds about some assholes on StumbleUpon after he got one of their compadres banned? And how there was all this hand-wringing and bullshit about the reputation of the search industry and how it needed to be fixed? Then how our boy Syzlak wrote a good, but largely ignored post about our perception and part of the problem we have? Yeah, all that? Well, it turns out I’m the answer to the problem.

You all know how humble I am, so this isn’t just some braggart bragging about how fucking awesome he is, though I am pretty fucking awesome. I think when some people think “SEO Hack”, they automatically think “fucking awesome”. Try it with your friends. But anyways, I digress. When I signed up for StumbleUpon, I immediately had two people come and tell me how awesome I was. Well, actually, they more less stated that I’m an asshole, I don’t belong on StumbleUpon and that if they had their way me and my ilk would be butchered with our guts strung up in the trees while they fucked our severed heads. Hey, it’s their sick fantasy, not mine. But have you seen my review page lately? If you haven’t, shame on you. Seriously, what the hell is your problem? If you have, you will see that one of the mindless haters is being a little more mindful and less of a hater. He actually says I’m okay. I’m okay! Okay, so he just says he retracts his earlier statement. Well, it’s not fucking awesome, but it’s sure a whole helluva’ lot better than having my guts strung up in some tree for magpies to pick at while some weird motherfucker has his or her way with my cranium.

So what am I getting at here? I should be a keynote speaker at SES or SMX, goddammit! That I am fucking awesome and I am the poster child for bridging the gap between the search community and the rest of the world because, to be honest, the rest of you all are really fucking it all up.

Thank you and go sphinn Syzlak’s post.

7 Things I Learned On The Interweb This Week

1. Apparently, the UK has dumb people too.

2. Italy is for pedophiles lovers.

3. Boys Girls grow up faster in Colorado.

4. Criminals will return to the scene of the crime! And can we all hope he gets a great big ass-raping in prison? Is that uncalled for - you know - almost instant karma?

5. The Coos Bay Wal-Mart may want to consider increasing their employee’s wages. Money for nothing and the chicks for free?

6. The interweb will collapse on Tuesday.

7. Syzlak wrote an excellent article about the search marketer’s reputation and got totally fucking ignored. For shame, search community, for shame.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Gerry Phillips

The interwebs is an amazing place. I was pretty pissed off after posting that last, er, well, post. Yeah, I get sick of that shit. But then, through the magic of 1’s and 0’s by way of one Matt McGee (Master of SEO), a little bit of joy was brought into my dreary, hate-filled day. That angel? Gerry Phillips.

The simple joys of boyhood flooded over me. Fart sounds, burping the alphabet, panhandling for change so I wouldn’t get beaten when I got home - all of it in all of its pure, magical simplicity. Mr. Phillips deserves our adoration and adulation.

In a world LonelyGirl15’s and Chris Crockers, it’s refreshing to see a bonafide, worthy internet celeb. Well, he should be a bigger celeb than those clowns. He’s a manualist, not some whiny-ass fakey persona. Mr. Phillips is a modern-day hero in a world desperately in need of heroes.

Let me leave you with this - a Queen classic rock classic (wow - that’s a lot of class!) that will surely bring you back to the days of youthful indiscretion and making out in mini-vans:

Yes, you can bet your ass I’ll be bringing you another Gerry Phillips masterpiece every week until he gets the wide recognition he deserves. And be sure to look for Mr. Phillips in a future “Final Countdown Throwdown“!

7 Things I Learned On the Interweb This Week

1. Some people take tacos way too seriously. Everybody knows burritos are where it’s at.

2. The wind is kind of an asshole. And a pervert. I think we have some things in common.

3. Vanessa Fox loves her cats. A lot. And that lolcat site. A lot. (I know, I know this should have been mentioned two weeks ago, but I was still in shock that Criss Angel is not gay. Who would’ve guessed? Assexual, sure. I could see that. I mean, I’m surprised a guy like that would get laid at all, let alone married and have a thing with Cameron Diaz. Bleeeech. Have that image run through your head. She must have some serious kink to dig a weirdo like Emo Magic Boy.)

4.  Michael Vick has more problems to worry about than herpes now.  Clench them cheeks, Ron Mexico, and hope the prison population is a whole helluva’ lot more humane than you are, asshole. And tell Hitler hello for us.

5.  Vanessa Fox isn’t the only one getting found for porn related keywords.

6.  Danny Sullivan and crew give a great big middle finger to digg.  Atta’ boys and girls!!!!!

7.  Apparently Posh Spice (that one chick that married that dude that plays soccer, but he calls it football because he’s all British and junk) dislikes Paris Hilton as well.  She IS one of us!  USA!  USA!  USA!

Hey, Oregonians. Get Off Your Asses and Help Out.

Our good friend Syzlak has brought to our attention a way for Oregonians to look good for a change (I’m looking at you, Eagle Point man who set pigs loose in a house that was foreclosed on.  And you, helium balloon lawn chair guy from Bend.  You didn’t even make it to Idaho!  C’mon!  190 miles - wasted!  And then you lost your video camera.  Next time I recommend a little planning.).

There’s a little girl in Corvallis with a nasty childhood cancer.  Ty Pennington and crew are coming to town and, with the help of Legend Homes,  building her family a new house.  Go to Syzlak’s blog and digg the story.  Go to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition Oregon microsite and see how you can help.