That Motherfucker Ain’t Me!!!

Alright, so it looks like it’s time to clear the air a little.

So, here’s how it went down.  MilwaukeeSEO (despite the fact I’ve drank a bit of Beast Ice, I still can’t spell fucking Milwaukee to save my ass) wrote a post on April 21st about how maybe we’re all getting dumber thanks to all this social media bullshit or something, and then on May 7th I, posing as “Your Neighbor”, made a pretty asshole comment back to Mr. MilwaukeeSEO.

Yeah, I’m an asshole and have left asshole comments before.  But that wasn’t me.  Not even fucking close.  I saw that @milwaukeeseo mentioned me on the Twitter in a  twat and ran to the post all excited and junk because I’d been mentioned.  Yes, my depressed, unemployed ass still feeds off any scrap of attention I can get from this thing like a junkie rat licking syringes in the methadone clinic’s dumpster.  The fucking interweb will do that to you.  But anyways, this isn’t about how pathetic I am, but more about how much of an asshole I wasn’t being on May 7th.  I digress.

Anyways, that motherfucker isn’t me.  And to make my point, here’s 7 Tell-Tale Signs That Fucking Bastard “Your Neighbor” Isn’t SEO Hack:

1. I totally would have used “SEO Hack” and not “Your Neighbor” in the hopes that the link would have been not nofollowed (look – I used a double negative!).  And yeah, now I know it’s nofollowed, but honestly, I would have been too friggin’ lazy to check that out when commenting.

2.  “Your a pathetic little dick . . . ” would have been “You’re a pathetic little dick . . .”.  Yeah, I’m lazy, but I know when to fucking use “you’re” and “your”.  We learned that shit in the third grade.

3.  The phrases “pathetic little dick”, “you’ll cower”, “spineless worm”, “you little shit” and “bitch” are totally words a dominatrix would use.  I’m more of a bottom, believe it or not.

4.  The word “fucking” is only used once.  We all know I prefer to use the word “fuck” and it’s variations as an adjective as well as an adverb, a verb, a noun and part of a noun.

5.  I don’t know what time that comment was left, but chances are if it was in the evening I was watching “The Fashion Show”, which is fucking horrible.  I mean, c’mon Bravo!!! Weinstein fucks all you all over and the best you can do is find a bunch of fucking egomaniacs with horrible design sense and the personalities of shit sandwiches that can’t fucking sew?!?!?  Really?  That’s going to make me forget about Tim and Heidi?  That one fucker who made that horrible rain coat last season that got booted off right off the bat is better than those hacks!  Except for James Paul.  That poor bastard should have been on Project Runway.  I bet he’s ESL and thought he was on Project Runway until he saw Isaac and Ms. Rowland (and Kelly may be the only bright spot on this turd).  And don’t get me started on this bullshit maneuver that got Project Runway moved to Lifetime.  Hurray, it’s not all man-killer movies anymore.  But that still doesn’t mean Project Runway is a good fit (and I’m still pissed at them for swapping Will & Grace for the Golden Girls after Frasier).

6.  Someone who runs an amateur hour blog wouldn’t dare call another blog “amateur hour”.  Something about rocks and glass houses and junk.  Plus, since my life now revolved around tricking the unemployment office into giving me checks, who am I to tell someone to get a life?  I might be an asshole, but I know my place!

7.  The fucking post is 100% spot on and even a dumb motherfucker like me can see that.  And if you read my AWESOME body of work, I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty easy to see that.

Now, it’s easy to see why someone would want to pretend to be someone as awesome as me.  But at the same time, if you’re gonna’ make me look like a fucking asshole, at least have the goddammed courtesy to do it right.

Thanks.

9 Responses to “That Motherfucker Ain’t Me!!!”

  1. Admiral Ackbar Says:

    It’s a TRAP!

  2. Elusive Studios Says:

    Wow amazing post! Thanks so much for sharing.

  3. Devilman676 Says:

    “I’m more of a bottom, believe it or not.” Fucking CLASSIC! hahaha!

  4. SEO Hack Says:

    @ Devilman – finally! someone i fucking know!

  5. Owlette Says:

    Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? Anyone who knows anything of your oeuvre would know at a glance that Your Neighbor was a weak, pale imitation.

    On another topic, Hack, perhaps you have a whole new career in TV criticism. Point #5 is brilliant and succinct. See if you can get Arianna H. to give you one of those liveblogging tv gigs.

  6. seohack Says:

    @Owlette – well, if imitation is indeed flattery . . . . oh hell, i got nothin’. just hope that jackass does a better job of making me look like an asshole next time. or not.

    that would be a sweet gig! you got connections? and you think they’d accept my backwoods ass?

  7. Owlette Says:

    I say ask and you shall receive. But first, be ready. :)

    1. Read some of the tv liveblogs on HuffPo

    2. Write up a few liveblog sample entries for your favorite lowbrow, PBR swilling, backwoods tv favorites. (Keep to the general wordcount of the stuff already published)

    3. Let’s see who knows someone who might know someone on the Twitter ( I may…)

    4. Sit back and get paid for watching TV!

  8. seohack Says:

    @ Owlette – i’ll start getting ready! =) though i think the cursing and violence might work against me.

  9. Owlette Says:

    I think its part of your POV and your authentic voice. We don’t get into *why* that’s your voice, dear, we’ll just try to work with it.

    Maybe you can get an NC17 rating, or a skull and crossbones warning.

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