Plurk, You’re A Needy Bitch

Hey Plurk,

Sorry I ain’t been around much lately, baby. It’s been crazy busy you know. Just got a lot of shit going on and am spreading the Hack pretty thin. And I think we both know this time might be coming sooner or later, right? I mean, we had a good thing and all, and we had a lot of fun, but Plurk, honey, you’re a needy bitch.

You know what I’m talking about. You get all pissy if I go and do something besides sit there with you. And if I go away for the weekend? You’re all, “look at all this shit you missed, asshole!” and then I spend my whole damn morning trying to make it right! You’re forever reminding me that I haven’t been around and then can you let it go? Oh hell no. You have to tell me it’s all bad for my karma and shit. And now, you want me to reconfirm my fucking email address? What the fuck? You think I just got nothing to do all damn day but make your ass happy? Oh hell no! A motherfucker don’t need that, especially a busy-ass motherfucker. I’m tired of your guilt trips and I need to breath. Plurk, you are a needy bitch.

And before you go there, yeah, I been back seeing the Twitter. I know I said some shit about the Twitter in the past, and I do stand by it. I know we used to talk shit about her too. But man, she’s been taking care of herself. I don’t see that big, fat, white whale anymore but a confident somebody with a come and go as you please mentality that lets me do what I want when I want. Plurk, listen, I ain’t saying you ain’t pretty. All I’m saying is I’m not ready for any person, place or thing to pull the reins in on me. Maybe someday when I’m ready to settle down, I’ll be ready for you. But right now, in this part of my life, you’re just a bit co-dependant and just a little creepy. And you’re making me sound like fucking Linda Ronstadt.

I don’t mean to be mean, but I have to be honest with you. You’re needy, you take up way too much time and I’m tired of your guilt trips. And I know what you think of me. So we’ll just let it go at that. Maybe we’ll hang out some time. I think we should still be friends, I’m just not ready for that kind of relationship with a micro-blogging site like you.

Take care,

Hack

19 Responses to “Plurk, You’re A Needy Bitch”

  1. Twitter Says:

    That’s right baby, come on back home. Leave the crazy “karma” talk and smileys behind in the trailer where they belong. You know we got a good thing. Just forget about Plurk. I promise you won’t miss that skank.

    I’ve even got Rebecca Kelley. That’s right, everything you want I get for you. Just you and me now baby… and maybe occasionally the Fail Whale… just for old times sakes.

  2. Plurk Says:

    @Twitter – Oh no you di’int! You better just watch your mouth or I’ll pull that nasty-ass weave right off your scabby head! And you know what else? I had Rebecca Kelley first! That’s right, bitch! She knows a good thing when she sees it!

    And Hack, I know you’ll come crawling back to me like, well, I don’t know what like, but you’ll come begging on your hands and knees. And I will not, I say WILL NOT, say a word. I’m just going to smile knowing all those CRUEL and NASTY things you said. We’ll see who’s “needy”. You know what you want. And you know who has it. And it ain’t some over the hill BIMBO that’s going to get all big and white and whale on your weak ass.

  3. Google Says:

    @Twitter – shut up my little bitch. face it i don’t even own you (yet) and you are already doing everything I say. now go do my laundry and make me a grilled cheese

    @Plurk just sit down, you’re most likely going to get bought by microsoft cause they like owning little second run crap companies like yourself. see if i ever let your half pig ass rank for shit

    and Mr. SEOHack – get back to doing what you do best, post the 7 and keep it moving or i am going to have you ranking for “gay cat sex pics” and you will like it.

  4. Microsoft Live Says:

    @Google – Fuck you! I’m tired of getting all your slopping seconds and thirds! I can get a micro blogging platform like Twitter! I can get one better than Twitter and Plurk! Sometimes people like a little more substance than just a pretty face, Google. You’re just lucky me and Yahoo! didn’t beat your punk ass up when we were in Mexico. And you weren’t pulling in all Twitters on that trip, as I recall. I seem to recall you needed a little penicillin when we got back.

    @Twitter – So, how you doin’?

    @Plurk – So, how you doin’?

    @SEO Hack – And you need to shut the fuck up! We ARE a legit search engine and, if you haven’t noticed, you can’t even rank in it! Ah, poor little SEO Hack is losing some traffic. Boo hoo! No wonder you write for this second rate, piece of shit (oh yeah, I went there!) “SEO blog”.

  5. Google Says:

    @Microcrap – You want some of this BITCH? I already have made yahoo my little whore & you will be next inline. Listen motherfucker – your browser sucks ass & I just released Chrome which is gonna totally pwn you to the fullest. Now get your ass back to releasing fixes for vista (or shitsta as we like to call it at the google plex) and know your role.

    Good luck with facebook – toolbag.

  6. ASK Says:

    What the fuck’s a Plurp?

  7. Digg Says:

    Should we discuss this in a town hall meeting? I really don’t like (we would love to be bought out) the hostility here. I mean come on, the world should be full of cracked.com and (i will cut a great deal if you buy me out this year) top ten lists. Why do all you search engines need to fight with each other (i have great earning potential)! We like you all. (please buy me) I mean we are able to give out great information and have a strong user base (I will entertain offers) that is loyal to our great service and enjoys using all of you to find this information.

    (please buy me, please please please)

  8. Yahoo Says:

    @Google @Microsoft – I am not a piece of meat and should not be treated like one. I used to have TV commercials – remember? Yahoooooo-ew-ooooooo I was on top of the world. I had free email before any of you. I am an innovator.

    @twiter – How you doin’?

    @plurk – How you doin’?

    @Ask – who are you again?

    @Digg – I got $47.00, 3 half smoked camel cigs & some left over bread sticks from the olive garden, how does that sound?

  9. Mahalo Says:

    You’re all full of shit. None of you have humans around doing anything…it’s all about your fancy little robots isn’t it? We’ll Google you can rank this blog for “gay cat sex pics” if you like, but I’ll make a page dedicated to “gay cat sex pics” EDITED BY HUMANS FUCKER FACE! Humans that really like “gay cat sex pics” because I know a few.

    Besides, I have more followers than all of you. I win. HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES? Wait, where’s Steve Jobs? SCOBEL…PLEASE HELP, I NEED COMFORTING.

  10. AltaVista Says:

    FUCK. YOU. ALL.

    I am going to come back with a vengeance!

  11. Microsoft Live Says:

    @Google – You couldn’t even get your slow ass out of beta to come and do jack shit to me! Me = not scared of your beta-ass! Ohhhh, you gonna’ beat me down in 5 – 10 years? Whatever. Go take pics of sensitive military installations or whatever it is you do. And if you haven’t seen our commercials lately, it turns out the people LOVE the Vista . . . just under a different name. And at least it doesn’t hurt when I pee. Have fun hand-jobbing the Feds.

    @Yahoo! – STFU! When we want to hear from you, WE will let you know. Now get back to sucking ass or whatever it is you people do these days.

    @Twitter – You get my txt?

    @Ask – What the . . . oh never mind. It’s not nice to pick on the handicapped.

    @Mahalo – Edit this! m!m Jackass. Nice grass skirt. Freak.

    @Plurk – You get my txt?

    @Digg – I’ll give you $50 cash, a carton of menthols and half a Dominoes pizza. You got my number. And I love Cracked! ;)

  12. Microsoft Live Says:

    AltaVista – You’re such an emo-boy. Go back to crying and cutting yourself.

  13. AltaVista Says:

    @Microsoft – Shut up, no one understands me & this world is too cruel, the girl I left me.

    I’m going to search my MP3’s for some “30 Seconds to mars” paint my eyes black and drink myself to sleep.

    I hate you all – especially you, mom & dad – you just don’t get me & i don’t think you ever will.

  14. Plurk Says:

    @ASK – Plurp? Oh no you di’int! You’re gonna’ wish you kept your butler-ass mouth shut!

    @Microsoft – Oh, you come sniffin’ around like you’re all that. But you know what motherfucker? I can fucking READ! I see you put Twitter first everytime! I REFUSE to play second fiddle to some bloated white whale! I hope Google beats your punk ass down!

    @Yahoo! – So, you come around here often, handsome?

  15. Mixx Says:

    Hey can i please get a Mixx button on this site?

  16. Microsoft Live Says:

    @Alta Vista – You’re right. Mom and dad hate you. Watch out for pink-eye from your dollar store mascara, you fruit.

    @Plurk – Baby, baby, baby, you got it all wrong! Twitter isn’t anything to me! You’re my MB, honey. I think we could make some sweet, sweaty music together. Call me.

    @Twitter – You get my voice mail?

  17. Digg Says:

    @Mixx Shouldn’t you have closed already?

    @Microsoft – is that per user or grand total?

  18. Baidu Says:

    @google – 本中心以国际高科技为主旨,在非手术治疗强直性脊椎炎,腰椎管狭窄,强直性脊柱炎,颈椎病,股骨头坏死领域独创一整套治疗方案.为保患者疗效本中心执行包干收费标准及服务项

    @yahoo – 骨头坏死领域独创一整套治疗方案.为保患者疗效本中心执行包干收费标准及服务项

    @twitter / plurk – 本中心以国际高科技为主旨

  19. China Says:

    @Baidu – You not allow to say thing like that here. Please come see commander immediate.

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