Will You All Quit Messing With Me?!?!?!!??!?!

Seriously! It’s fucking with my head!

First, a couple of weeks ago, I get a message from WordPress telling my blog was banned, I’m an asshole and that I should have heeded the TOS (this was the same day graywolf gave me the smackdown). Then, after about three or four hours I get an email that says, “Nah, you ain’t banned. There was some sort of mistake.”

Next, I get a visit from none other than THE Michael Gray! Hurrah! Then he starts to tell this joke about a Yahoo Ad exec, MSN UI Engineer and a Googler with a poodle under his arm going to a bar. But he never finishes the joke!!!!!!! I tossed and turned all night wondering how the hell it would end. Needless to say, I am cranky and pissy. And still don’t know what the punchline is. Does the poodle bite the MSN guy because they suck? Does the Yahoo! ad exec buy everybody drinks and they have group hug about how they’ve manipulated the American public to their will?!?!?!?!?!?! What’s the punchline?!?!!?!?!? PLEASE TELL ME SO I CAN SLEEP TONIGHT. Please. That doesn’t show that you’re not humorless; it shows that you’re a mean, mean man. Please tell me how it ends.  Please.

Then Syzlak tells me about something on SEOmoz. I go there, excited. I heard I got a link from those folks earlier. Now what excitement could there be?!?!?!?!?! Something better than a link and a mention? I get there, palms sweaty from, erm, uh, anticipation. Yeah, anticipation. What could I possibly see? There wasn’t anything to see – the blog was down?!?!?!?!?!?! ARRARRGGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHGHHGH!!!!! And now it’s back up!!! So now I look like a jackass!!! Well, er, at least a bigger jackass.

Is there a reason I drink? Probaby, and it has nothing to do with rocking harder than Kid Rock.

Google Is Evil, MyBlogLog Now Sucks & I Rank #5 For “Poop Porn”

Seriously, fifth spot? If only I could sell ads on this damn thing! Who knew anyone would want to watch two turds humping?

So, after my self-imposed ban (read: pouting) over the humorless Michael Gray “burying” one of the posts I sfun (and I thought they could only do that on Digg!), I realized that I have nothing to bitch about. So I swallowed my pride and crawled back. After all, Jill is still there, no?

To my surprise, the front page of Sphinn had nothing about Rand Fishkin and the ne’er do well crew at SEOmoz. Instead, there were all sorts of posts about the evil empire that is Google. Apparently they knocked some points off the toolbar page rank of sites they may or may not believe that are selling links. Well, duh. They said they were gonna’ be assholes about this. They usually do what the say. Didn’t you all see that little asterisk at the end of their mission statement – “Don’t be evil.*”?

Now this is old news, but it doesn’t mean it is any less of a pain in the ass today. Yahoo! bought MyBlogLog and then went and fucked it all up. Did we really need to have it associated with our Yahoo! Accounts? Hell, I didn’t even have one until you people made me go and get one. What the hell? And no, I don’t want one of those stupid-ass icon thingies. Leave me alone about that shit, alright? Enough is e-fucking-nough! Why take something that kicks so much ass and then fuck it up by making it a hassle? Because that’s what it is now – a hassle. Thanks a lot, dipshits.

And I guess I ought to have something about MSN since I’m discussing Google and Yahoo!, but seriously, who the hell uses MSN? Oh, sure, they teamed up with Facebook or something. Yawn. Whatever. Call back when you’re actually relevant. Stupid MSN.

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

1. We all knew he was a sub-par artist. I wonder if Hitler also wrote crappy poetry and cut himself?

2. What does Kid Rock like as much as kicking ass? Waffles! And damn good waffles at that. Looks like me and Kid got more in common than I thought – though I’m usually the one getting my ass beat, not the other way around.

3. Some people need to get a life and/or job. Or at the very least, get a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend if he swings that way – I don’t really care. Go to Syzlak’s pad and play along!

4. Apparently, a fictional character from a series of children’s books is gay. First, why does this matter? Second, who gives a shit? Really? Someone does? I’ll be damned.

5. People with tazers tend to be assholes.

6. The most important lesson about the internet can be learned from Home Movies. God bless you, TV. Is there anything I can’t learn from you?

7. A mustache not a manly man make. Really. More than anything a bad mustache can call into question your manhood and compensating for it. Just shave that fucking thing off. SHAVE IT! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHAVE THAT FUCKING NASTY LITTLE THING OFF YOUR LIP!!! WE REALIZE YOU’RE MORE MASCULINE THAN THE MANNISH CAMERON DIAZ!!!!!! And that woman you’re “dating”?  Her head is too big for her body.  Makes her look like a human matchstick.

On My Not Posting Lately . . . .

So, I had this conversation with our dear friend and comrade Syzlak earlier today:

[11:48] syzlak: you tube
[11:49] syzlak: million hits overnight
[11:49] SEO Hack: I might have to
[11:49] SEO Hack: i need to get more involved with that kind of stuff
[11:49] syzlak: dude seriously do it
[11:49] syzlak: you never twit, you rarely sphinn, gotta do something
[11:49] syzlak: break out of your mold
[11:50] syzlak: quit being a lazy asshole
[11:51] SEO Hack: don’t call me dude

Okay, first off, don’t call me dude.  Seriously.

Second, why fucking social media?!?!?!?!?  I’ve used Twitter!  It sucked.  I’ve looked at YouTube.  Yeah, it’s okay.  I mean, at least it’s entertaining.  And I tried to Sphinn stuff, only some people take my shit down and don’t give me any fucking reasons as to why.  All this shit is bullshit.   Why do you people give a shit about this shit?!?!?!!?  Furthermore, why do you people give a shit that I give a shit about this shit, huh Syzlak?  What the fuck?!?!!?!??! Does it worry you that I’m not drinking the Kool-Aid?

That’s right – the Kool-Aid.  The same purpley-shit that makes up all this Web 2.0 crap.  All you all are like, “Hey man, it’s so Web 2.0.  You got StumbleTechnoratiFaceSpace, man.  You Digg?”

Hell no.  I’ll fight all you pushers and you’re black helicopters right into the fucking ground.  You see what’s out in my shop?  That’s right bitches.  Back the fuck off all this social media crap.

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

1. Why hippies are so goddammed annoying. This kind of shit makes me want to go pull all the tires off of all my cars and burn them. Seriously. I do most of that shit because I’m poor, not some dirthead.

2. Syzlak is my Lovitz. God bless you, Syzlak. Sorry the revolution was so short lived. It nice to know I could count on Bagel as well.

3. Most of the keyword phrases used to find this blog contain the words “poop” and “porn”. Still. What’s surprising is that these people, who are hunting for some seriously graphic, hard core shit (pun unintended, but hey! what the hell!), are using the word “poop”. Are these some sick-ass second graders or something? These people afraid of getting their mouths washed out with soap? What gives? Could one of you pervos help me wrap my head around this? BTW – I currently rank #6 in Google for “poop porn”.

4. Pepsi employees understand loyalty.

5. So, apparently Pikachu pees sitting down.

6. It turns out Maine has the loosest sixth grade girls in the nation!

7. There are some very evil people in the world. No. Seriously. There are some really fucked up people out there with fucked up notions of fun. And yes, everything you read in that article is true.  No, really, it’s true.

On Mean People Sucking . . . .

So, as a little diversion from doing work, I decided to log into this den of awesomeness and to see what was going on. I’ve been getting addicted to looking at my blog stats thingy that WordPress put together. It almost makes me forgive them for letting me think that I was banned last Friday. Almost.

Looking at my favorite stat – “Search Engine Terms” – I found someone found me today for “i hate sting” (which I do) and “mean people”. Curious, I went to the Google and Yahoo’d “mean people”. While I didn’t find the Worst SEO Blog Ever, I did find images of those annoying “Mean People Suck” stickers. Oh, how I hate those things.

I remember the first time I saw one of those things. I’m pretty sure it was on the bumper of some hippies Jeep Grand Cherokee that his mom and dad got him for graduating or something. It didn’t take long before those goddammed things were everywhere. It was like the new peace symbol or something. Fucking college hippies. It’s all peace and love until mom and dad quit paying the bills and you have to either move your sorry ass back to California or get a job, isn’t it?

Anyways, while these dipshits think that mean people suck, I disagree. Actually, mean people are kinda’ necessary. After all, these “mean people” put down the fucking bong and get a job while those dreadlocked assholes are sitting in drum circle and talking about how the world would be a better place if everyone had a drum circle (for the record, I also hate drum circles). Mean people are one of our greatest sources of entertainment. Who wants to watch 10 rounds of hugging? I sure as hell don’t. But 10 round of UFC? Oh hell yeah! Hell, if it weren’t for mean people, there’d be no such thing as SEO! Or advertising! Or the economy! I mean, what kind of asshole charges money for goods? Certainly not a friendly commie like Stalin!

So next time you’re reading some asshole’s comments and flames about something rather insignificant and moronic, don’t look down your nose at him or tell her to be nice. Thank that mean person. After all, if it weren’t for mean people that burned-out fry brain who still thinks it’s 1969 wouldn’t be able to sell stickers as a cover for peddling weed out of his van.

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

1. Hipsters are making their kids look like hipster douchebags begetting little hipsters! Normally, I would have some sort of call to action to beat the hell out of these people. After all, it’s bad enough cheap beer is an accessory for these douchebags and we’ve all been tortured by listening to them try to out “have you heard of . . . . ” each other at some dive bar, but to bring their kids into it??!?!?!??!?!?! However, the revenge will be sweeter yet. What little Sid and baby Nancy want is to rebel against ma and pa. Their revenge? Disney. American Idol. Nike. Gun ownership. Voting Republican. Take that, mom and dad!

2. According to the WordPress stats thingy, I was found twice on October 7th for the phrase “the craziest porno ever” and once for “pooping porn”. Yay for me! And all you all are sickos.

3. Ration Reality found the gift that keeps on givin’. I’d hate to be the poor bastard that puts these gift baskets together.

4. Either this kid’s grandma needs to remember to feed the little bugger or there’s something about Applebee’s that I am totally unaware of.

5. Ralph Whittington has the most understanding mother EVER.

6. The Scottish are drinking less.

7. Apparenlty, Michael Gray, aka graywolf, doesn’t have the sense of humor I thought he had. Not only did he pull my thread on Sphinn, he didn’t even message me even though he looked at my goddamm profile! Sheesh. I’d’ve thought the guy who compared Matt Cutts to a clown in San Jose and regularly puts up linkbait titles would’ve understood the satire in the midst of the devolution of Sphinn into an anti-SEOmoz mouthpiece. For the record, as far as I know, Rand Fishkin does not wear a kitten-skin jacket nor does he eat babies. For the slow people in the audience, that was a JOKE. Please don’t petition WordPress to shut down this blog. I repeat, very slowly, IT WAS A JOKE. Perhaps a very poorly conceived one, but a crappy one none the less. It’s not like I’m Dave fucking Chappell. Now that guy is fucking hilarious! Did you see his bit about the baby selling weed in the hood? That was one of the funniest damn things I’ve ever seen!

IMO – Damian Novak at TheSEOBiz.com Is A Moron

So, this whole “work” thing has reared its ugly head again. But when I finally got a chance to check this thing out and maybe even write a new post I got a surprise. People were really really liking some of this junk! I mean, 18 comments. Holy Toledo! Whoohooo!

Turns out that my “new fan base” was actually just one friggin’ idiot, or perhaps a team of idiots, at TheSEOBiz.com. In my professional opinion, I’m leaning towards a lone dickweed here.  Thanks for getting my hopes up, jerk.

So apparently, this guy is a fucking moron. Seriously. If he knows jack shit about SEO, then he knows that comment links are nofollowed. But apparently, this guy couldn’t even pull his head out of his ass long enough to take a breath let alone check one of the links out. What a putz. Seriously, when this guy was born, did his mom shit him out in the crapper and not get him out in time to make sure he got oxygen to his brain?

Okay, next issue – who the hell still spams comments to get a fucking link? Furthermore, what kind of fucking inbred shit for brains spams the comments of the same blog to get a link? And then, what kind of knuckle-dragging, social retard spams the same post over ten times to get a fucking link? Are you kidding me? Seriously? You’re that dumb? Did you have a big bowl of DUUUUUUHHHHHHH!!!!!! for breakfast?

I could just erase all those posts and go along my merry way. I’ll probably erase the links, but there’s no way I’m gonna’ erase those comments. They are a testament to dipshittedness to a degree unseen by man to date. Congrats, Mr. Novak, congrats!

7 Things I Learned on the Interweb This Week

1. Andy Warhol’s future is today. All I can say is: what the fuck is this world coming to? Holy shit. And I’m just as big a schmuck for even linking to anything about that fool.

2. If you don’t want people making money of your amputated limbs, then pay your friggin’ bills! This is the best story I’ve read in some time. Seriously.

3. Holy shit they’re alive!

4. Once upon a time, Paris Hilton was trying to be a role model. Oh, poor readers of Seventeen. If only they knew how damn funny that magazine cover would be in a year’s time.

5. There’s an audience for every book and you can find that strange ass book on Amazon.

6. The best way to get to the first page of Sphinn is to attack Rand Fishkin, beat up on SEOmoz or discuss how unprofessional Rand and SEOmoz are. Holy shit I’m sick of these posts. Is this the only search marketing firm in the world or something?!?!?!?!? You can bet you ass if I ever post another article on Sphinn it’s gonna’ have the headline “Rand Fishkin Eats Babies” or “SEOmoz Employees Wear Kitten-Skin Jackets”. Sheesh. You got some thoughts on this, Content Girl?

7. Oh, Jamie Foxx, why’d you have turn to be so lame? Those make you as cool as a six year old little girl. No amount of cubic zirconia can hide your newfound lameness.

Google Likes Porn, Poop

Finally, something Google and I have in common!  I knew there was something I liked about that place.

Anyways, usually this awesome blog gets found by people searching for “asshole”.  Usually, I just assume it’s my mom looking for me.  However the other day someone found this place by doing a search for “exploded asshole”.  Was mom trying to kill me?  Surely not.   But one can never be too certain.

So I headed to the interwebs.  Usually when I search for “asshole”, I don’t find this blog so I assume it’s the good folks at WordPress telling me what they think of me.  Searching for “exploded asshole” on Yahoo!, I expected to find something relevant about myself.  Nothing.  Just a few listings for iAsshole.org (grrrrr!) and some other junk.  Nothing too terribly exciting.  But Google, on the other hand, holy shit!  The top ten listings were a collection of poop stories and some of the craziest porno around.  Go to the next 10?  Porn starts to overcome the poop, reading like a veritable back cover to a sick-out pornographic film.  The shit in those listings were crazy.  Crazy.  It made Yahoo!’s SERPs look like the friggin’ church newsletter.  However, the Worst SEO Blog Ever! was nowhere to be found.

Seeing Google’s SERPs made think of two things: 1) What kind of sick bastards are going to Stanford these days? and 2) What do they have in store if you did an image search?